Recently I was swindled out of $175 big ones... $70 of which went to PROCESSING FEES. First of all, HSBC's slogan is "The World's Local Bank!" and they have literally three branches/ ATMs on the West Coast, which put us in an extremely irritating position for those three tent-filled months in California. Secondly, I am not supposed to be able to overdraw. Thirdly, every time I go in I can see their scales poking out of the top of the zippers of their human costumes, which is just gross and also bad showmanship.
Here is a brief re-enactment of my adultyish banking career
Me: "Hello there, Mr. Banker. I have just turned eighteen and would like to open a checking account at your fine establishment."
Banker: "Blarghghdhfdhghghhghghg hissssssssss"
Me: "A Student Checking Account? Sounds wonderful! But... no interest?"
Banker: "Harrhghghhfhfhghhgh"
Me: "Instead of earning interest, I won't be able to overdraw my account? Sounds wonderful!!"
Banker: "Mlarrghghghhhhhghghhhh :E"
Me: "Haha, okay! Have a wonderful day!"
Banker: "Blargggg"
Three Years Later
Internet Banking: "!!!!!!!NEGATIVE $175 IN YOUR ACCOUNT!!!! YOU OVERDREW FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!! AND WE WAITED TO PROCESS THESE OTHER PURCHASES SO NINE MILLION MORE FEES!!!!!!!! AND NO SOUP FOR YOU!"
Me: "Ahhhhhhhhh!!!"
Long story short, I overdrew my account, marched to the bank to demand it be taken off, and the banker sat me down and told me that it's time to grow up, that when I graduate from college and find a real job then maybe I would stop overdrawing my account. Then he tried to make me feel bad, telling me that he couldn't give me back the money he STOLE from me because it directly affected the branch. I asked him if it came out of his paycheck or the paycheck of any of the other employees working at that HSBC. He said, "Technically, no, it doesn't affect my paycheck at all but.." that money goes toward his yearly bonus. And all the while sitting there in his Armani suit with his painstakingly styled and gelled frat boy bedhead hairstyle.. breathing fire... acting like my grandfather when he couldn't have been more than nine years older than I am.
A Highlight Banker: "You know, we're really trying to move away from clients like you."
Me: "........Doesn't it benefit the bank when I overdraw?"
Banker: "Well. Yes. But..."
Evil scummy bastards.
Maybe I'll wrap my cat up in a baby blanket and go back in there and make him feel REALLY bad about refusing to give me my money back even though I told him I couldn't afford food, or gas to get to work this week.
i am hungry
